Coping with the loss of a pet
15th September 2016
‘I should pull myself together, he was just a cat/dog’ they say, whilst catching themselves for the umpteenth time that day, walking towards the door to let him out or call him in from the garden…only to remember….he or she isn’t there anymore. His bed is empty, her food bowl lies unused and their toys un-played with.
Dealing with the loss of a pet can be truly devastating and one which many people feel embarrassed to admit to; a grief that sadly, even in 2016, many feel is still socially unacceptable.
Just recently, while this blog was being drafted, respected journalist Bel Mooney wrote in the Daily Mail about the heart breaking loss of her dog Bonnie and her journey through the grief which brought back many painful associated memories.
So what can we do to help ourselves and our friends when a pet dies?
Emma Jane LaRoche
We ask owner of Petpals Lightwater, Emma Jane LaRoche, a qualified counsellor and member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (MBACP) and who offers Animal Assisted Therapy to patients at her Surrey-based practice, which she runs alongside her successful Petpals animal care franchise.
Emma-Jane says,
‘Grief is grief, whether it comes from the loss of a human being or an animal and, like all grief, we will all experience and cope with it differently.’
She explains why the loss of a pet can be so devastating, tears springing to the eyes at a sight, a sound, a place, a memory, for seemingly months or even years on end afterwards.
‘One of the reasons we can find the death of a pet so hard to cope with is that in many cases, we have formed a very special bond with them, possibly closer than with any another human being; our pets are never cross with us, they tend to be non-judgemental, accepting, trusting and they give us unconditional ‘positive regard’. Generally they’re always pleased to see us and dogs in particular, are loyal and loving, not always something we can say about our human relationships, so, when that pet dies, along with it goes that very special bond and, for some, that takes many years to get over.’
Hormones
It is worth pointing out that when we stroke our pets our brains release oxytocin and dopamine, the happy and stress releasing hormones that anti-depressants replace, so we know that a depletion or withdrawal of them is not good for our mental health. With this knowledge in hand, it is perhaps easier to understand why, when you take away this hourly/daily influx of happiness, derived from stroking our pet, it can have very real physical consequences and go a long way to explaining our very real sense of sadness and loss.
Touch
Similarly, living as we do, in a world of texting, emailing and online shopping, we may not physically ‘touch’ other people that often, particularly, if we are old, single or house-bound or maybe because we simply lead busy work-filled lives; for some people the only other physical and emotional contact they ever had was with an animal, a cat or a dog, which, when gone, can leave a huge void leaving them feeling quite literally, ‘out of touch’.
Taking all this into consideration, it is no wonder that life without the pet can seem unbearable for many people in the first few weeks, months and sometimes even years after the bereavement.
Animal Assisted Therapy
The very fact that animals are being increasingly used in therapy, for instance helping PTSD victims in ‘Dogs for Veterans’, or ‘Reading With Dogs’ for primary school children and of course ‘Animal Assisted Therapy’ that Emma-Jane offers her patients, highlights how seriously we take the calming and healing effect of animals in 2016.
We asked Emma-Jane for general guidance on dealing with the death of a pet; her first piece of advice was that if you or your friend/partner/family member is struggling at all with overcoming the loss of their pet, they should seek the help of a local counsellor. A search of http://www.bacp.co.uk/ The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy will offer names of qualified people who can help locally. Some may specify ‘pet bereavement’, others may simply call it ‘grief counselling’.
Advice
With that caveat in mind Emma-Jane said,
- Understand that everyone’s loss is different; for some it can be worse than losing a human relationship.
- ‘Disenfranchised Grief’ is the name given to the grief a person feels they maybe aren’t allowed to show, possibly because society has deemed it socially unacceptable, or possibly because they themselves feel it is unacceptable, for instance the grief one might feel after a suicide or the death of a pet. Try to remember that it is still a real grief with the same grieving process, whether other people feel it is appropriate or not and, no matter how many times you tell yourself ‘he was just a pet’, or ‘I should just get over this’ it will still hurt and you may need time and help to overcome it.
- Be aware that grieving has different stages and the process will be different for everyone. Be kind to yourself, talk it through with fellow animal lovers who will understand.
- If you know a friend who is grieving for the loss of an animal, don’t automatically suggest they go out and buy another cat or dog to replace the one that has just passed away. Some people can cope with a new puppy or kitten the next day, equally many people wait years until they feel ready to welcome a new animal into their lives. Everyone is different. If a new pet is brought into the household too early, some members of the family may find an inability to bond straightaway as they may not be ready.
- If you have a friend or family member who has suffered a pet bereavement it might be nice to give them a card as a thoughtful gesture, it can help acknowledge and recognise their grief.
- There are many books available on pet loss and how to explain it to children. The blue cross have a help line service (see numbers below).
- As per the caveat at the top of this list, if you are struggling, seek help from a local BACP counsellor.
Where to find help:
- A list of qualified counsellors can be found at the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy http://www.bacp.co.uk/ (search for bereavement)
- The Blue Cross have a downloadable document ‘Coping with the loss of a pet’ here: https://www.bluecross.org.uk/sites/default/files/downloads/The%20Pet%20Bereavement%20Support%20Service.pdf (hyperlink this on the blog)
- Blue Cross helpline: 0800 096 6606. The support line is open everyday from 8.30am – 8.30pm or you can email them for support [email protected] for those who prefer to write about how they are feeling rather than talk on the phone
- Contact Emma-Jane LaRoche via her website http://www.141counselling.com/
About Emma-Jane LaRoche
Emma-Jane and her husband Sean run Petpals Lightwater since 2003, offers dog walking, pet sitting, cat sitting, puppy care visits, elderly care visits and a pet taxi service in the following areas, Lightwater, Sunningdale, Bagshot, Camberley, Windlesham, Trumpsgreen, Virginia Water, Englefield Green, Heatherside, The Maultway (Wellington Park), Deepcut, Lyne, Chobham, Bisley, Knaphill, St Johns, Horsell, Brookwood, Worplesdon, West End, East end of Camberley (Old Dean towards Bagshot). Emma-Jane also runs her own dog agility training club and uses one of her dogs to provide Pets as Therapy in her local area.
Contact:
Petpals Lightwater
www.petpals.com/area/lightwater
01276 477473
ENDS SEPTEMBER 2016
