I wonder whether you can help me? My owners have just purchased another pup (a smaller but less cute version of my beautiful Labradoodle self.) The pup seems to get loads of cuddles and I get sent to my bed if I try to muscle in. If I ignore him they say I’m jealous, if I play with him they say I’m too rough. Me rough? He’s the one chewing my ears and nipping my tail! If he yelps I get told off, if I yelp they all laugh and call me a wuss.

What can I do? Should I advertise in the classified section for a new owner or what?

Lorimer the Labradoodle

Dear Lorimer,

A new puppy eh?

Wow that’s hard. On the one hand they are cute little bundles of play. And on the other they are nothing but irritating, pooping and weeing ankle biters.

Don’t go looking for a new owner just yet. Here are a few tips. When puppy is getting cuddles, resist the urge to go barging in, instead walk up close to your owners, walk in a circle then flop down in front of them with a great big sigh. Look up at them with big eyes and that should get you an invite into the love fest.
However if that doesn’t work and little Rover is still getting all the attention then it’s time to play dirty.

Next time you have a drink, take a big mouthful of water but don’t swallow it. When they are not looking spit it out somewhere they are going to walk and watch them blame the pup for one of his little accidents.

Then when they are out, chew up the free paper and scatter it in the pups bed, better still if you can get him to join in, but as soon as you hear the key in the lock, dash to the other side of the room, leaving pup amongst the paper. Yawn and stretch when they enter as if they have just woken you up. Frowning critically at the pup with a slight shake of your head cements this ruse. You should be back to being top dog in no time. Warning, if pup is in a crate, this trick WILL NOT work!

Good luck.

Love from Jasper x

Ps. Also please remember that new puppies can turn into best friends if you let them.

I often struggle at night to get enough room in the bed to stretch out my doggy limbs to their full length, it doesn’t help that both my owners keep insisting that they want equal shares too.

Sleepless Scruff x

Dear Scruff,
Firstly, lucky you being allowed to sleep on a human bed at all, Sal says just because I make downstairs smell like a swamp that I can’t have her bed. I have offered not to roll in anything nasty and to keep out of the real boggy parts of the beck but she still refuses to let me up the stairs and instead provides me with a very comfy ’Dirty Dog’ bed in the dining room.

But here’s how to help you.

Firstly choose an allegiance to one or other of the bed sharers, checking which side of the bed is their preferred side. Then when it comes to bedtime allow ample room for that person to get into bed comfortably and then reluctantly concede to share what is left with the other person.

Turn your back to the person you like so that they can snuggle into you, and then breathe very heavily on the person opposite you ( particularly effective if you have found something smelly to eat earlier in the day!)

If that doesn’t seem to have an effect the odd occasional lick to their face usually gets them to turn over and this is where you strike, stretch out your legs as far as they will go and pretend to go into full-on dreaming mode, whimpering and pretend running ( our owners love it, so won’t get cross!) Each time just move them a little further to the edge of the bed.

There are now two options, either go for the full on rabbit chase dream and push them actually out of bed or carry on with the silly noises and fake run, they will get so fed up of your whimpering and fidgeting they will go and sleep on the couch. Result!

Now you have a whole side to yourself, if you are a particularly big breed or don’t wish to wake up to morning human breath, repeat the above actions to the other person. But be warned, use this move with caution as it may have the opposite effect and you could end up downstairs yourself. Quite literally ‘in the dog house’.!

Love from Jasper x

I often watch my humans and wish I could be like them too. They seem to have such a fun life.

Wishful Westie Wendy x

Dear Wishful Wendy,
Being a human is not all it’s cracked up to be you know. They don’t have the fun we have. Last week my Dad was watching a ‘documentary’ on the TV where 22 men were running about a big field with only one ball to play with between them. But worse than that, there were thousands of other humans just sat watching at the sides and all around and they didn’t even get to touch the ball. Now if that had been us dog’s we would have all brought a ball each to play with or at least one between two! My dad was shouting at the TV and I tried to get him to let me in the garden and I would have shared my ball with him but he was too busy to notice.
And also humans have so many more rules than us. It’s great to be a dog because:

• We can scratch ourselves in public, no matter where it itches,

• We can roll on our backs, showing our bare tummies and our nether regions without being considered rude.

• We never have to pay for dinner or provide presents for people out of our ‘own’ money. But we still get all the cuddles just because the card say’s it’s from the dog.

• We can spend hours just sniffing stuff and still not get bored.

• We are always excited to see the same old people. They only have to leave the room for 5 minutes and come back again and we greet them ecstatically.

• We can pass wind in public and we don’t blush.

• If we gain weight it’s someone else’s fault.

• We don’t need a varied home entertainment system or play station, an old bone or a shoe can keep us occupied for hours.

And finally it’s great to be a dog because we never have to brush our own hair.

Love from Jasper x